


Too Far Off Script

by foreverdistracted



Category: The Hobbit (2012) RPF
Genre: Hobbit Kink Meme, Humor, M/M, RPF, RPS - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-01-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 21:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/654625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverdistracted/pseuds/foreverdistracted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For this prompt in The Hobbit Kink Meme: <i>"During one scene where Thorin and Gandalf have another one of their old-married-couple fights they go off script and get into each other's face and then Richard grabs Ian's ridiculous beard and pulls and they start making out. Like, sloppily, frantic, get a fucking room making out. While staying in character."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Far Off Script

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: The prompt was fun and seriously wouldn't leave me alone. The rating this ended up as is fairly safe compared to what the OP wanted, I think. Hope it still satisfies! Thanks to my lovely proofreader.

"I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past!"

"Bit more distance, you two," Peter called out from somewhere behind the camera.

"I did not know they were yours to keep!"

"You - you ungrateful, insufferable fool!"

"We can't - _okay_. That's not in the script," Peter said, safe within the shade of a tarpaulin attached to the side of a trailer and two poles. He scratched his head when Ian's off script reply was quickly met with Richard's yelling something about how Gandalf probably just stood by and watched as Thrain died before looting the map and key from his corpse. "Interesting line, though," he commented to Fran, who was looking extremely amused while watching the unfolding scene several feet away from them. "We never really got around to exploring that part." 

Fran shrugged. "We can put this in the extended edition."

Peter shook his head. "Nah, we'll have to re-shoot, height difference and all that. They shouldn't be that close together."

"Shame. They're really going at it."

Both of them winced when Ian angrily sputtered and yelled back that he should have just left Thorin to his own devices and let him meet the same fate as his ancestors - dead, buried, and crownless. 

"Bit too harsh," Fran remarked. 

Peter watched the interesting play of emotions in Richard's eyes in the close-up viewer beside him. A flash of hurt, searing anger, and--

Oh dear.

Everyone stared as Richard twisted his hand in Ian's beard and _pulled_ , messily mashing their lips together. The loud "clank!" of Gandalf's staff hitting a wooden beam when Ian let go of it rang far too loudly in the speakers.

"Aaaand then there's that." Peter stood there with his hands in his hair, too bewildered to speak for a moment. "Jesus. Okay, break it up, you two."

"Don't think they can hear you," Fran remarked. "And they're still in character, from the looks of it."

"You're going to have to teach me how you know that, 'specially since they're eating each other's face right now." There were hoots and loud yelling from the other dwarf cast members downwind. He waved his hand frantically in front of him and raised his voice, "Nono, Richard, Ian's too old to be pushed against rocks like th-"

Ian had quite strongly spun them around so that Richard was between him and the rock, with neither breaking the liplock.

"Oh." He threw his hands up in the air. "Guess that's okay, then."

Beside Peter, Mike whispered "Should we stop filming?" to Cory. 

Cory snickered and surreptitiously drifted the boom microphone closer. "Hell no."

Richard braced himself with one hand on the rock behind him and then hooked one leg around Ian's own. One of Ian's hands was gripping Richard's wig very tightly (Peter would have to remember to drop a gift basket in Tami's room later), the other reaching around to grab at -

Actually, Peter really didn't want to know. "I'm done," he said, while removing his headset and tossing it onto a vacant chair. "Call me when this is all over and we can go over the scene one more time." 

He passed by Philippa on the way out. Philippa raised her hand in greeting, though her smile froze on her face as she took in the scene behind Peter. Her utterly confused "Is that...? Wait, I had a dream just like this..." faded in the background as Peter merely waved and kept walking.

 

"Uncle?!" Kili's frantic voice yelled from somewhere far behind, followed immediately by Fili's urgent, "Thorin, what are you doing?!"

 _Those two are supposed to be looking after the damn ponies,_ Thorin uncharitably thought. He clenched his eyes tight and tore his head away from the kiss, breaking it, hearing breathing as harsh and forceful as his own near his ear. He swallowed and tried to clear his head (or as much of it as he could in this _cursed heat_ ), willing the haze of anger and lust to dissipate. He opened his eyes to see Gandalf's gaze staring straight at him in shock. Wait...

Ian...not Gandalf.

Oh god.

They both dropped their gazes to stare at his hand, which still had the fake white beard in a death grip. He released it as if burnt, finally allowing Ian to straighten from his awkwardly-bent position.

Slowly, sounds from around him began to trickle back into Richard's awareness. Martin's being the first - he was doubled-over in laughter, gasping for air, with Stephen (not quite so helpfully) thumping his back. James, Aiden, and Dean were clumped together somewhere farther from the group, being rather loud and doing who knew what. Graham was standing off to one side, a hand covering his mouth, eyes bright and shaking with poorly-repressed laughter.

Richard realized a little belatedly that his embarrassment seemed to be fuelling their amusement. He surreptitiously tried to hide his face while he brushed himself off and pushed away from the rock. Beside him, however, Ian had taken a dramatic step back, spread his arms, and, with a flourish, bowed deeply to their audience.

Richard's ears rang from the resulting laughter and applause. "I'm - I'm just - trailer - I'm just - beinmytrailer," he muttered, and tried to make it seem like he wasn't fleeing.

"Oh, Richard, don't run off!" he heard Ian call from behind him. "Richard! There's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not like we went all the way!"

 

"You can't hide here forever." Richard contemplated denying that he was hiding, but Ian was already pulling up the only other chair in the room and was sitting beside him. "Peter's bound to come back soon," he continued, clasping his hands on the table. "The longer you're here, the harder it's going to be for the others to keep a straight face later."

Richard wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that. Awkward silence grew between them for a few seconds before he had the courage to break it. "I'm... _really_ sorry," Richard slowly said, his self-deprecating smile earning him an amused look from the other man. "I don't know what came over me."

Ian waved dismissively. "You were in character. So was I, for that matter. I've always thought there was something in Thorin that just sets Gandalf off, quite unlike all the other people he's tried to help." He paused, considering, his hand rubbing across the bottom and side of his lips. "Very rough kiss, that."

Richard frowned, concerned. "I'm sor-"

"Yes, yes, you're sorry. Come outside, at least." Ian stood and used one hand to beckon Richard up from his own seat. Richard found himself unable to resist the offered hand. "Time to face the music, as they say." 

After he'd stood, Ian searched his eyes for a second. Richard wasn't exactly sure what he saw there, but Ian's expression softened and he gave Richard a consoling pat on the cheek. "You'll see that it won't be so bad as all that."

 

Richard didn't know why he'd let himself believe Ian's prediction. As it was, he'd exited his trailer to find various crew members replaying the scene on different monitors, speakers turned up loud, mirth at his own expense still very much the focus of everyone at the site.

Ian shrugged apologetically. "Well, it's only been fifteen minutes."

To Richard's relief, Ian didn't leave his side as actor after actor approached him for a good laugh and a friendly ribbing, neither of which Richard was very good at dealing with. The older man weathered the worst of the jokes, taking it upon himself to dominate the replies, while Richard could do little else but duck his head and laugh along in embarrassment. Richard found himself admiring how the veteran actor deftly redirected unwanted focus from himself to other things, with barely anyone noticing that he was doing it.

He also forced himself to watch the screens, relieved to see that a good part of the crew's amusement was due to the reactions of the rest of the cast instead of what he and Ian were doing against that blasted rock. Richard definitely didn't remember Graham hooting and yelling, "Get a room, you two!" from below the hill. James had run over to where Aidan was standing and was trying to cover his eyes, which resulted in the two of them playfully hitting each other. "Fili, protect your little brother's innocence!" James had yelled at Dean, who was standing at a safe distance from the two. Dean had simply grinned and said, "Far too late for that, though."

Richard couldn't quite keep from being flustered when he saw, on the screen, that the visible parts of his face had turned beet-red while he'd been walking away from Ian, contrasting starkly with the red-flecked facial prosthetics. A female camera crew member pointed at his departing figure and happily said, "Look at his face!"

"Careful," he heard Ian mumble beside him. He resisted a shiver as the older man's breath tickled the skin behind his prosthetic ear. "You're turning red again."

"You know," Richard began, a hint of playfulness in his voice, his eyes still on the screen which had looped back to when they started going off script, "watching it all back, I'm pretty sure that kiss was more your fault than mine."

Ian laughed and seemed intrigued. "I beg to differ. Whose hand was it that grabbed whose beard again?"

Richard grinned, relieved to feel some of his embarrassment fade. " _I_ wasn't the one who went off script. With a very compelling and beguiling voice, even."

"It sounds to me like you haven't been listening to your own." Ian accompanied his next words with helpful hand gestures. "I have half a mind to make you stand in front of a bar of chocolate and read Shakespeare. Maybe something from Richard III, in particular. I guarantee you: melted chocolate after three pages."

From the heat he could feel travelling up his neck and ears (and judging from Ian's smug chuckle), Richard's blush had returned with a vengeance. 

He hadn't been faring any better when Peter had returned. He'd taken one look at them (pointedly ignoring Ian's "Where have you been? We've been ready for over an hour," while Richard blushed like a schoolboy) and said, "All right, you two need to get this -" he gestured aimlessly between them, "whatever this is - out of your systems." To the rest of the crew, he yelled, "Pack up, everyone. Let's try this again on Friday, if there's fair weather."

"Well." They both watched as actors started to move to their trailers and everyone else began to pack up their equipment. Ian turned to face Richard. "That's rather good advice. What do you think?"

"I think," Richard said slowly (albeit to the floor), a small, wry smile creeping into his expression, "it's _very_ good advice."

"Shakespeare, my place?" Ian suggested, eyes alight with mirth.

Richard nodded, his smile widening. "I'll bring the chocolate."

"I wouldn't expect any less from my favorite dwarf."

\\\\\End///


End file.
